


Letter from a Philophobe

by YKajitaka (UntappedChaos)



Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen, Love Letters, No Romance, Philophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-19
Updated: 2017-08-19
Packaged: 2018-12-17 08:45:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11848056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UntappedChaos/pseuds/YKajitaka
Summary: Once I meet you, I think you’ll be someone whom I admire greatly.  I think that I’ll want to spend time at your side, and I’ll tell myself that you’re just an interesting person.  That maybe we’ll make good friends.  One day I might admit you’re attractive to me; I may or may not imagine the possibility of a date, only to discard it and tell myself it’s impossible.You see, I’m a philophobe.  I am afraid of falling in love.  I am terrified of connecting my heart with someone else’s.





	Letter from a Philophobe

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, genuine philophobe here. I'm writing this short snippet as a way of blowing off steam. Plus... I've always wanted to say these sorts of things. I'm such a romantic at heart, but this phobia is a great way to put a damper on all relationships, not just romantic ones.
> 
> I started telling my mother around age 13 that if a guy wanted me, he was "going to have to sweep me off my feet with a bulldozer."
> 
> That adage is unfortunately accurate. =v= Still, please enjoy. Comments always appreciated.

Dear Future Lover,

Pleased to meet you. I can’t tell you how much I look forward to falling in love with you, but I’ll only be able to say it now, while I don’t know you or love you at all.

Once I meet you, I think you’ll be someone whom I admire greatly. I think that I’ll want to spend time at your side, and I’ll tell myself that you’re just an interesting person. That maybe we’ll make good friends. One day I might admit you’re attractive to me; I may or may not imagine the possibility of a date, only to discard it and tell myself it’s impossible.

You see, I am afraid of falling in love. I am terrified of connecting my heart with someone else’s.

Just because I’m afraid doesn’t mean I don’t want to, though. Just like people who fear airplanes still want to travel abroad, I want to fall in love with you. I want to get the deep-seated trust in you that lets me fall apart with you. I want to know that little spats aren’t the end, and that just because you’re busy doesn’t mean you’re ignoring me. I want to grow a relationship with you that lets me escape my ‘default fears’ and simply love you.

You’re going to have to work hard, I’m afraid. I can’t touch you on my own — it’s terrifying, you see — so touch me lots. Play with my hair, grab my hand, touch, poke, tease, and simply drown me in skinship. I’ll probably feel uncomfortable; I won’t know what to do with it, and my immediate reaction is “Don’t you hate touching me? Aren’t I gross?” but please, touch me with all affection anyway. Keep an ear out for when I’m quiet. If I’ll be okay by myself, I’ll complain loud and at length until it’s out of my system; when I’m quiet though, please don’t let me wallow. Don’t let me think of all the horrible possibilities. Going quiet means I think I have no right to ask for help.

Lover, I’m so sorry. I’m so very, very sorry. This is going to be hard on you. I’m going to make you think a million times that you want to give up. I’m hoping that there are a million and one times that you decide you don’t want to. When I start pulling away, chase me with all the reasons I shouldn’t.

Please be the reason I tell myself that ending it isn’t the answer. Be the one I don’t want to make cry when I’m in my darkest places. Be the person I believe with all my heart would be the one to miss me most if I were to go.

Once you really have me, just knowing this is all I need.

With all my heart,

the Philophobe


End file.
